No one prepares you for the people that you may encounter in life……. They may try and prepare you, but you like to always think the best of somebody even when they may be showing you otherwise…. at least that’s the predicament I managed to get myself into.
I was probably in one of my most vulnerable states in my life. Super sick, spending most of my days in bed talking to the wall. I had a night that I wanted to escape it all and went with a friend to pick up her boyfriend from a restaurant…… little did I know there would be another guy friend tagging along……. it was nice to feel semi normal, interacting with other people and being surrounded by laughter instead of tears…… this guy seemed to always want to be the centre of attention, either doing silly things or trying to get a laugh out of someone. At the end of the night he asked for my number. At the time I thought it never hurts to have more friends, especially at a difficult time in your life dealing with nothing but your health issues.
We got to hanging out, which all seemed fine and dandy for the first bit because I JUST wanted a friend… I wasn’t in the position to be in a relationship. It was very weird how we seemed to have a lot in common that I wouldn’t expect from him at all….. later to find out that should have been my first red flag. He would almost mimic everything that I was doing… pretending that he only does clean eating (like me), that a healthy lifestyle was important to him and just so many other things that may give you the idea that you are “connecting quickly” but really they are pulling a fast one over you. Narcissists display a quality of charm in the beginning. They make you feel like you experience an instant connection because they mimic the most important things in your life to trick you into thinking that you are very alike.
Next red flag… it was only a couple weeks into hanging out and he started to pressure me about “where is this going”?. I think we should make this official etc etc. Even though I really didn’t want to have anything to do with a bf I agreed against my own wishes…. I remember saying that my health is my first priority and I’m only doing this if it remains beneficial to me getting better and not detrimental… Narcissists will rush or pressure you into a relationship (probably because they can’t contain their “crazy” much longer and they know they wouldn’t have a chance if it came out before you were committed).
It was not long into the relationship that I started getting those gut feelings telling me that something just isn’t right. Little did I know that you should actually not ignore those feelings because your gut literally acts as your second brain as most of your brain chemicals are created there…. it was my bday. I was so excited because I felt good and I was celebrating with a bunch of friends at a restaurant later on. Mind you I haven’t seen a lot of these people in a long time so I wanted to catch up!!! The night turned into a disaster. His need for attention was sickening to the point of playing “flippy cup” with glass vases and glasses in the middle of the restaurant. He would say loud rude remarks to people just to get some kind of attention. We would ask him to kindly stop…. and he just kept going. The night turned into an embarrassment. I was catching up with some other friends when he confronted the table and created a whole scene telling me how horrible of a person I am and swearing because I wasn’t giving him undivided attention….. It was safe to say that I went home that night in tears and embarrassed…
This is where it gets sickening…. I invited him over to have a talk because I knew that this relationship wasn’t right for me at all. He could sense what I was getting at and turned on the water works…. This is when he began to tell me that he had a huge secret that he didn’t want to burden me with because of my own health issues, but insisted that I needed to know….. Before you think I am completely naive and stupid for believing what he said I was dealing with my own unknown sickness, suffering in silence and wanting people to just believe that there was something really physically wrong with me. Anyways he told me that his “Brain Tumor” that went into remission when he was a child might be back. In my mind I was so confused as to how you could hide something so serious to family and friends but he came out with every reason in the book and I would be a horrible person (dealing with my own health issue) to think that someone would make it up! I couldn’t break up with someone through their “hard times” because that would make me a horrible person and maybe that was why he was acting up at my birthday.
Weeks went by and I would receive horrible messages saying how he fell down the stairs because of his symptoms or was bleeding from his eyes and throwing up everything imaginable. Hearing those things made me even more sick and I ended up in the hospital. The interesting thing was he never ever came to the emergency room when I was sent there…… missing out on a party was a big no no and I didn’t want to put any extra burden on him…. After weeks went by once again things were just getting crazier. He would blame me for being sick, for being the “invisible girlfriend”. He made me feel guilty for not being normal for not being sufficient…. Any chance of happiness he would be quick to rip it away.
I asked to come to one of his so called “specialist appointments” at the hospital that he had been going to….. my friend drove me to the hospital that he said he was at without telling him I was on the way. As soon as I reached the front door I messaged and said “I’m here”. In a panicked response back he told me they cancelled his appointment when he got there and that he had already left. At this time I was frustrated beyond belief but honestly to sick do deal with it. Other horrible things he did…. he would come to my place after the bar when I was sleeping since 10 pm because of my condition… he would show up all mad making up the fact that these guys approached him at the bar and told him that I’ve been talking to them or cheating on him. I was so pissed off that he would even accuse me of something so ridiculous, knowing for a fact that i wouldn’t not only never do such a thing and that the last few months I’ve been in bed with no energy to even make myself something to eat. These accusations never ended and I soon became to fear whenever he would come by after a night out, so I told him he wasn’t allowed to drink around me ever again. (That lasted all of two weeks).
One weekend we decided to go on a camping trip with a bunch of friends. I was so excited to just get out of the house and maybe spend some time on a boat….. the night came quickly and I was exhausted. Everyone else wanted to go to a party across the lake and I wasn’t going to get in the way of them having fun…. I said “go ahead, I’ll be in the camper sleeping”. Hours went by and I heard everyone else crawling back into the camper except him….. I wanted to leave first thing in the morning because I wasn’t feeling that great and confused as to why he didn’t come back. Right before I was about to leave my friend drove him back…… I knew something wasn’t right again but didn’t have the energy to fight about it at that moment and just drove home in silence. I was later to receive a text with a picture of him and some random girl sleeping together on the couch….
This was it!!!! My way out without feeling guilty……. well guess what he decided to pull the whole “I’m gonna commit suicide if you go anywhere” on me. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was so sick and so broken down from this monster and I had to deal with someone telling me this?!? I tried every way possible to not see him for the next month, made every excuse thinking he would just leave me alone but no. One weekend I went out to their family cabin knowing fully this was it! I had enough… why am I staying with someone I actually never even wanted to be with in the first place! I had a long talk with his mom telling her about the whole fake cancer diagnosis and everything else he’s been up to (he’s never had Cancer in his life) surprise surprise. The thing is she never once acted surprised… and assured me that I was way too good for her son and I was better off ending it. After that I called him out on absolutely everything and how much worse he made my health. Looking into the eyes of a monster knowing fully that they are feeling no emotion towards what you are telling them is quite frightening to say the least. How did I manage to stay in such a horrible situation… I’ve never been that girl.
All of the months after ending it for good and telling him that I would call the cops if he ever tried to contact me again, were the months of realization and freedom from this monster. I did research on these type of people and their personality traits etc and found out that there was a name for them narcissistic- sociopath. Holy shit!!! Those are the same type of people that become serial killers because they literally have no sense of empathy in their bones! I actually had girls messaging me through Facebook telling me how happy they are that I got out of that situation because he did the same thing to them! (Fake Cancer diagnosis and all).
I learnt my self worth and that I would never ever let myself get into such a horrible situation ever again. I learnt that it is completely okay to be picky when it comes to relationships and that you should always hold true to your values and morals. I learnt that I don’t need to be the one always fixing other people’s problems and leaving my own tank empty. It’s not selfish to put you and your health first. I learnt that there will always be someone else out there that will love you through the hard times and make you feel on top of the world instead of dragging you down just to fulfill their own ego. (So don’t ever settle because you feel that you won’t find someone else). Being alone is better than being with someone who hurts you. Other people can sense that something really isn’t right before you can. Don’t ignore their insight, they probably know you better than your own self and are trying to help you. The faster you get out the better!!!! Don’t ever doubt yourself or your self worth…. you are an incredible, amazing person before he or she told you otherwise. Life is too short to waste it on the wrong people. Be unapologetically yourself, love yourself and know that you deserve the world. Do yourself a favour and do some research on these personality types. It’s better to be safe than sorry and knowing the signs or red flags can save yourself The misery and pain that these relationships can cause you.
I am happy to report that I did find someone that helped put all my broken pieces back together again and we are on three years strong. I always tell people that you need to clear out the bad people in your life to make room for the good!